Kick off.

We have to start cranking. The season starts Sunday.

Today, I’m learning who actually goes on the field Mike drew so nicely for me last time.

We start with kick-off (which I’m sarcastically reminded follows the coin toss. If you don’t know what a coin toss is, watch this video. You get the idea).

Oh, but no! This game makes even a coin toss more difficult than it should be.

Me: So the winner of the coin toss goes first, right?
Mike: Maybe.
IhatethisgameIhatethisgameIhatethisgame.
Me: OK, I give up. What does a coin toss mean?
Mike: You get to choose.
Me: Choose what?
Mike: If you want to choose who kicks first, or which side you want.
Me: It’s a choice of a choice?
Mike: Yeah, you either choose to kick or receive first, or you yield that choice and pick the side that’s getting better wind.
Me: Of course (I don’t have it in me to ask what constitutes “better wind”).

So: A kick off. One team kicks the ball to another team to start the game, the half, or to start play after points are scored.

Okay. I’m probably going to regret this, but can I get a diagram?



Kicking Team (represented by the X’s): 11 guys. There have to be at least 4 guys on each side of the kicker (so you can divide up 4/6, 5/5, or 6/4); they line up on their 30 yard line. They need to get through the O’s to the end zone on that side to score.

Receiving Team (O’s): 11 guys. They can be anywhere. They need to get through the X’s to the end zone on that side to score.

The kicker puts his arm up. This signals that he’s ready. Then he lowers his arm and starts running. The other ten guys run with him. The kicker kicks the ball. Before he kicks, the other 10 guys cannot cross the line that the ball is on. Otherwise, they get a penalty.

Me: So how do they catch the ball?
Mike: Once the ball goes 10 yards, it’s a live ball. Whoever catches the ball, keeps the ball.
Me: But isn’t the kicker’s team way behind the ball at this point?
Mike: Yes…
Me: So the kicker's team isn’t supposed to catch the ball.
Mike: Typically, no.
Me: Oh! That’s why they call the other team the receiving team! Because they receive the ball!

It’s all about baby steps.

Typically, the kicker kicks the ball as far as he can. It’s caught by the top two O’s.

Who are the top two O’s? Kick returners. They catch the ball, and all the guys on the kicker’s team try to tackle the guy who now has the ball. The other guys on the receiving team (teammates of the guy who caught the ball), try to block them.

So what happens if those two O’s don’t catch the ball?

A “touch back” occurs if the ball goes out of bounds in the end zone, or if the O’s catch the ball in the end zone and “take a kneel” (they kneel on the ball). Then they start with the ball on the 20 yard line.

But if the ball goes out of bounds before the endzone, it’s a bad kick, and the O’s get to start on the 35 yard line or where the ball went out of bounds, whichever is better.

There’s more…

If the kicking team wants to try to get the ball back (usually because it’s late in the game and they’re losing), the kicking team can kick the ball a short distance—but at least 10 yards—then they try to get the ball.

So the kicking team lines up. The kicker kicks the ball so that it bounces high in the air, so that his team has time to run and pick the ball up. Whoever gets the ball keeps the ball where they pick it up or land on it.

Mike: Overwhelmed yet?
Me: Those big guys that I see in the after game interviews, the ones that can barely put a sentence together? Do they know all these rules?
Mike: The quarterback knows most of them. The other guys should know at least the ones that pertain to them.

I am depressed beyond words.

Mike: Don’t worry. It’s much easier when you can see all of this happening.
Me: No, when I see it happening it’s just a bunch of giant humanoid battlebots trying to clobber each other.
Mike: That’s fun to watch.
Me: True.